Thursday 13: Black Adder quotes I

Today Thursday 13 is about a black vegetable, well, it would be if Edmund had stuck to his original idea. As it is, now it is about a black adder.
I love Black Adder. If you don’t know Black Adder I strongly recommend that you try to watch it some time. To me it shares the top rank of "Funniest show on TV" with Seinfeld.
So, more to my own amusement than anybody else’s I’m posting favourite Black Adder quotes or passages. You might not think they are so great if you’ve never seen it. On the other hand, if you know Black Adder you might think "ah, she forgot the one where….". And you will be right, because there are so many that thirteen aren’t possibly enough to cover it all. In fact, I might expand this and make a series with only Black Adder quotes. Consider yourselves warned!

This week all quotes are from the first series which starts in the year 1484. It is “a most bloody and most gripping historical tale”.

1. Eve of the battle at Bosworth Field. Richard III. is having a feast with his noblemen. His nephew Richard’s second son is Edmund. Richard, Edmund’s father, never knows who he is, let alone remembers his name.

Richard, Duke of York: Edna! Fight you with us on the morrow?

Edmund: Oh, goodness, no; I’ll be fighting with the enemy. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Richard III.: You’re not putting him anywhere near me, are you?

Richard, Duke of York: No, Uncle. He will be somewhere with the rabble.

Richard III.: Oh, Arrow fodder?

Richard, Duke of York: Precisely.

Richard III. smiles and waves at Edmund. Then says under his breath…

Richard III.: What a little turd!

2. The morning of the battle. Edmund is still snoring in bed. His mother, the Queen, enters his room.

Queen: Edmund? Edmund!

Edmund (waking up): Mmmh! Mother- what do you want?

Queen: Did you want to go to the battle this morning?

Edmund uncovers a sundial by his bed.

Edmund: Oh my God. It’s eleven o’clock

3. After the battle. The Queen awaits the arrival of the knights after the battle.

Edmund: Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gate.

Queen: Oh, Edmund, I’m not ready. I haven’t had a bath or anything.

Edmund: Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they’ll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle.

Queen: I shan’t bother to change then.

4. After the battle. Harry, Edmund’s brother, comes into Edmund’s tower room.

Prince Harry: Ah, Edmund. I know it’s a little early, but I would just like to get these battle averages sorted out. Who did you kill today?

Edmund: Ahmmm: no one.

Prince Harry: No one. Oh, dear. Right, I’ll put you down for a duck, which I’m afraid takes you out of the running for the Legion of Honour.

5. The Queen is once more waiting for the return of her husband, Richard IV.

Lady-in waiting: You must be so looking forward to the king’s return, your Majesty.

Queen: No

Lady-in waiting: No, my lady? But think, he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you!

Queen: Yes, and I wish he wouldn’t do that. It’s very difficult to sleep with that sort of thing going on, you know. Being used all night long. Like the outside of a sausage roll.

6. The Archbishop of Canterbury has died. A messenger brings the bad news.

Edmund: Oh, dear, the Archbishop of Canterbury, eh? The king has done it again. That’s the third this year. How did this one die?

Messenger: Horribly, my lord.

Edmund: Any details?

Messenger: Ah, no; “horribly” was all I was given.

7. Edmund is discussing the tragic accident with his brother.

Prince Harry: Yes, that’s right. A tragic accident

Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.

8.  Edmund has become the Archbishop of Canterbury. His servant Baldrick is discussing with him and Percy business options.

Edmund: Yes, Baldrick has been looking at some of the ways we can actually make a bit of money in this job.

Baldrick: Well, my lord…there seems to be four major profit areas. Curses, pardons, relics and selling sexual favours of nuns.

Edmund: Selling the sexual favours of nuns…do some people actually pay?

Baldrick: Well, foreign business men, other nuns, you know.

9. Baldrick has moved on to presenting his fake relic collection which is to be sold.

Percy: How will people be able to distinguish between these and the real relics?

Edmund: They won’t; that’s the point.

Percy: Yes, well, you won’t be able to fool everyone. Look: I have here a true relic.

He very dramatically reveals a wooden box.

Edmund: What is it?

Percy: A bone of the finger of our Lord. It cost me thirty-one pieces of silver.

Edmund: Good Lord: is it real?

Percy: It is, my lord.  You stand amazed, Baldrick.

Baldrick: I am. I thought they only came in boxes of ten. I could have let you have one for a couple of groats. Fingers are very big at the moment.

10. While grand decisions are being made at his father’s “office”, Edmund is loitering in his tower room.

Knock on the door.

Edmund: Enter, unless you’re a woman, in which case, prepare to be thrown out of the window with your dog!

Messenger: My lord, I bring a message.

Edmund: Yes, obviously, you’re a messenger.

11. Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are awaiting the arrival of the Spanish Infanta, Edmund’s bride, whom he has never seen before.

Percy: You know, they do say that the Infanta’s eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.

Edmund: Mm! … What?

Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, my lord.

Edmund: And what’s that, exactly?

Percy: Well, it’s a famous blue stone, and it comes … from Galveston.

Edmund: I see. And what about it?

Percy: Well, my lord, the Infanta’s eyes are bluer than it, for a start.

Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?

Percy: (nods) No, not as such, my lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it’s very very blue indeed.

Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta’s eyes?

Percy: No, I shouldn’t think so, my lord.

Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.

Percy: No, my lord.

Edmund: So, what you’re telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.

12. After realizing that the Spanish Infanta is a real moose Edmund and his friends examine possibilities to back out of the arrangement.

Baldrick: I also have a plan, my lord.

Edmund: Yes?

Baldrick: Why not…make her think you prefer the company of men

Edmund: Well, I do, Baldrick, I do.

Baldrick: No, my lord, I mean, the…intimate company…of men.

Edmund: You don’t mean…like the Earl of Doncaster!

Baldrick: I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster!

Edmund: That great radish, that steaming great left-footer. The Earl of Doncaster has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.

Baldrick: But who would marry the Earl of Doncaster.

Edmund: Well, no one…Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster. Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort.

13. The plague is haunting the country. Everyone is full of panic and sees evil omens everywhere.

Percy: Look, I just can’t take the pressure of all these omens any more.

Edmund: Percy…

Percy is almost in tears.

Percy: No, no really, I’m serious. Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies.

Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?

Right, I’m done for today. On one of the next Thursdays I’ll post quotes from the second season. Oh, and if you think quote no. 10 is not funny, I’m sorry. I think, it is.

7 Comments Write a comment

  1. Is this a cable station that carries the program? I’ve not heard of it…tho, I don’t watch that much television either.

    My 13 is posted. All “icky” foods is my point to get across….come over, and take a sample bite!!

    Reply

  2. I like Black Adder, but didn’t think the first series was that good. Still, I’m looking forward to the second series’ quotes, since that was probably my favourite series of the four.

    Reply

  3. Nicholas, I think it’s one of the best shows ever. My last favourie one is #4. It was still funny, but with (not so long ago) war being the main topic I just didn’t care for it that much.

    Anni: Black Adder is a British show, I’m sure they must offer it on some station, but not being in the US, I have no clue.

    Mark: I probably liked #2 best, too, but #3 comes close. Prince George is just so much fun, and the election episode is one of my favourites of all. But as a whole, I enjoyed #2 more – I think (I’m changing my mind constantly while watching it. Whatever I’m watching is the best, kwim?).

    Reply

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