Thursday 13: Black Adder quotes II

Today’s Thursday 13 is my second part of my series of Black Adder quotes and passages. The second series is possibly my favourite one, though the third one comes close.

The series is "a true and japesome historie of Elizabethan Englande".

1. Blackadder is doing some target practice in his lodgings with Baldrick holding up the target. Percy is coming in.

Percy: Sorry I’m late.

Edmund: No, don’t bother apologizing. I’m sorry you’re alive.

Percy: Oh good, I see the target is ready.

He lines up his bow professionally for a shot.

Percy: I’d like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.

Edmund: Well, go to Spain, there are millions of them.


2. Blackadder has fallen in love with his new, supposedly male, servant. The Queen, Melchett and Nursie are discussing that.

Queen: Do you think he’d spend more time with me if I was a boy?

Melchett: Surely not, ma’am.

Nursie: You almost were a boy, my little cherry pip.

Queen: What?

Nursie: Yeah. Out you popped from your mummy’s tumkin and everyone shouted, "It’s a boy! It’s a boy!" And then someone said, "But it hasn’t got a winkle!" And then I said, "A boy without a winkle! God be praised. It’s a miracle! A boy without a winkle!" And then Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl, and everyone was really disappointed.

Melchett: Yes, well, you see, he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.


3. Blackadder is visiting Dr. Leech seeking a cure for his fascination with his manservant.

Dr. Leech: I see. So, you’ve started fancying boys then, have you?

Blackadder: Not "boys". A boy.

Dr. Leech: Yes, well, let’s not split hairs, it’s all rather disgusting, and naturally you’re worried.

Blackadder: Of course I’m worried.

Dr. Leech: Well, of course, you are. It’s not every day a man wakes up to discover he’s a screaming bender with no more right to live on God’s clean earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?

Blackadder: Not really, no.

Dr. Leech goes to wash his hands.

Dr. Leech: Bloody hell, I would be!


4- Blackadder is looking for the wisewoman to help him.

Edmund: Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?

Young crone: That it be, that it be!

Edmund: "Yes it is", not "That it be". You don’t have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I’m not a tourist.

Young crone: (Slightly deflated) Oh.

Edmund: I seek information about a wisewoman.

Young crone: Ah! The wisewoman! The wisewoman!

Edmund: Yes, the wisewoman.

Young crone: Two things, my lord, must ye know of the wisewoman.

Edmund: Yes?

Young crone: First! She is a woman! And second, she is …

Edmund: Wise?

Young crone: You do know her then?


5. Blackadder and Kate want to marry. The maid of honour is Baldrick, fitted in a lovely dress.

Kate: You look sweet as a little pie.

Edmund: Kate, he looks like what he is, a dungball in a dress.

Enter Percy.

Percy: Edmund, I!

He notices Baldrick, but doesn’t recognize him. He starts to flirt.

Percy: Oh, hullo, there. Edmund, you didn’t tell me we were expecting guests. And such a pretty one, too.

Edmund: Oh, God.

Percy: Well, you’re a little cutie to be hiding yourself away all these years. Tell me, gorgeous, what’s your name.

Edmund: He’s called Baldrick.

Percy: Baldrick, that’s a pretty name. Edmund used to have a servant called Baldrick, but anyway, away with such small talk, lady, a kiss!

Baldrick: What?

Percy: And so modest, too, come on, you little tease, you know you want to. Give us a kiss.

Baldrick: All right, if you say so.

Baldrick kisses Percy passionately. Percy claps a hanky to his nose in disgust.

Percy: Ooooh dear, what an original perfume.

Edmund: Percy, that is our Baldrick, he’s wearing a dress.

Percy now fears he may die of infection.

Percy: Bleuch!


6. Blackadder has been appointed Lord High Executioner. He is having a look at the Book of Death to sort out what needs to be done next.

Edmund: Right then. Let’s have a look, shall we? Who’s first into the head-basket then? Admiral Lord Effingham and Sir Frances Drake on Monday.

Percy: That should draw a crowd.

Blackadder looks at him questioningly.

Percy: Well, sailing enthusiasts.

Edmund: Yes, better make sure there’s a few anchors and things on the souvenir stall.

Percy: Aye, aye, sir.

Edmund: Never, ever, try to be funny in my presence again, Percy.


7. Blackadder has just noticed that there are two executions scheduled for Monday, one, Farrow’s, for Wednesday and two for Friday.

Edmund: It’s not right though, is it?

Percy: (Suddenly very passionate) Well, no. Now that you come to mention it, my lord, there was absolutely no evidence against young Farrow at all. It was an outrageous travesty of justice!

Edmund: No, I mean it’s not right that he should be stuck on Wednesday, when we could do him on Monday and have half the week off.

Percy: Oh, I see. Yes, that’s right.


8. Tonight Blackadder will die in agony with a spike up his bottom, if he doesn’t come up with 1.000 Pounds to pay his debts to the Black Monks of St. Herod. Percy and Baldrick try to help Blackadder in any way they can.

Percy: Oh, Edmund, I’m sorry, I had no idea. But do not despair, for I have some small savings , carefully harvested from my weekly allowance set aside against my frail old age.

This is a very moving moment. A moment of pure friendship, of pure generosity.

Percy: By lucky hap, it’s just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief

Percy and Edmund: in an old sock under the squeaky floorboard

In fact, even Baldrick is in on it.

All: behind the kitchen dresser.

Percy is very surprised at this.

Percy: You’ve seen it?

Edmund: Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he’s got hidden inside that mouldy potato.

Baldrick: Oh, bloody Hell!


9. Percy has devised a plan to help Blackadder scrape up the money.

Edmund: Oh, all right then. What’s your big plan, blockhead?

Percy: I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy, the hidden art of turning base things into gold.

Edmund: I see. And the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people since the dawn of time doesn’t dampen your spirits?


 10. Baldrick’s ideas go into another direction.

Baldrick: Well, I have heard there is good money to be made down the docks, doing favours for sailors.

Edmund: Favours. What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons, that kind of thing?

Baldrick: Not quite

Edmund: (Light beginning to dawn) Baldrick?

Baldrick: My lord?

Edmund: Are you suggesting that I become a rent boy?

Baldrick: Well, a good looking bloke like you, posh accent, nice legs, could make a bomb. Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and make the old sign.

Edmund: I’d rather die.

Baldrick: Oh, fair enough, that’s all right then. I’ll put the kettle on while we wait, shall I?


11. Percy’s plan has come to fruition.

Percy: My lord, success!

Edmund: What?

They go across the room to the table in Blackadder’s room, on which there is an alchemy set.

Percy: After literally an hour’s ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold, pure gold!

Edmund: Are you sure?

Percy: Yes, my lord, behold!

He uncovers a silver platter, which has a lump of something green on it.

Edmund: Percy, it’s green.

Percy: That’s right, my lord.

Edmund: Yes, Percy. I don’t want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold. That’s why it’s called gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some "green".

Percy’s face holds an expression of joyous amazement. He holds the green out in front of him.

Percy: Oh, Edmund, can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?


12. Blackadder’s aunt and uncle, the most severe and humourless persons on the planet have come to visit to discuss Blackadder’s inheritance. They wear crosses on hats, shoulders and round necks. They are religious fanatics whose hobby it is to burn Catholics.

Edmund: May I introduce my friend, Lord Percy?

Percy tries to be roguishly charming.

Percy: Well, well, well, Eddy, you didn’t tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good-morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like and I like what I see.

Lady Whiteadder punches him in the face.

Lady Whiteadder: Be gone, Satan!


13. Nobody knows where Blackadder has disappeared to. The Queen and Percy are passing the time playing frisbee in the hall. The Queen throws to Percy who catches it.

Percy: How’s that?

Queen: (Warning) Percy. Who’s queen?

Percy drops the frisbee.

Percy: Whoops. Butterfingers!

That’s it for series II. If I have forgotten any funny scenes (and I’m sure I have), just mention them in the comments and I’ll add  them later.

1 Comment Write a comment

  1. A good selection, although just quoted they obviously don’t come across as funny as on screen. My favourite line from the second series (or at least I think it was from the second series) was where they got captured by a German played by Hugh Laurie, and Edmund woke up, his head aching, saying something along the lines of “My head – it feels like a Frenchman’s been living in it” (again, it was no doubt funnier on screen).


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